BEIJING – In a stunning development that has stunned everyone, anonymous Chinese intelligence officials have confirmed that a staggering 27 Pakistani aircraft were lost in the recent military escalation with India. This comes in the wake of a flurry of reports from anonymous officials from France and the US claiming a Rafale was shot down — sparking what experts are now calling a “full-blown anonymous intel war.”
Speaking to our reporters on the condition of absolute secrecy, with faces pixelated and voices replaced with Morgan Freeman’s AI clone, Chinese officials stated that the Pakistani Air Force lost 27 aircraft in the recent conflict. Nineteen of them were destroyed while undergoing maintenance at their hangars when Indian Air Force bombed them. These include J-10, J-17, F-16, and an AWACS.
When asked for photographic evidence, the government official replied, “Go look it up on social media.” And when asked if he can get executed for making such comments, he replied “That doesn’t matter at all. What matters is that this news comes out even if it is not in his self interest or the self interest of his country”.
The announcement comes just days after anonymous US, French, and even Indian government officials confirmed the downing of multiple Indian aircraft — reports that gained traction despite a lack of verifiable data and an overwhelming reliance on “you just have to trust me, bro.”
In response, India issued a statement saying, “We are still trying to figure out who these anonymous officials are and how they have more battlefield intel than our own Air Force.”
Meanwhile, the Pakistan Army strongly denied the losses, claiming the jets were not destroyed, but “simply embraced stealth so hard that even we can’t find them anymore.”
When we presented them with the irrefutable satellite photos of their airbases showing clear signs of destruction, a Pakistani official replied, “These jets weren’t destroyed in action. They were destroyed in inaction. So it doesn’t count.”
Amid the destruction, there was one confirmed success. The anonymous Chinese official proudly said that an Indian missile aimed at the Sargodha airbase was intercepted by the HQ-9 air defense system and diverted to hit nearby hills named Kirana Hills. He claimed this was its only interception in this entire conflict.
Experts Divided
A prominent anonymous military analyst (who may or may not be a 12-year-old on Reddit) stated, “Look, at this point, we’re all just quoting each other quoting anonymous sources. Reality is optional.”
Other defense experts called the reports part of a “covert meme war” designed to demoralize populations and confuse search engine algorithms.
In a leaked conversation, Pakistani pilots reportedly complained that their Chinese-supplied PL-15s were in “demo mode” during combat — a setting which, according to the manual, only allows the missile to perform basic aerobatics and then safely land itself to avoid damage during trade shows. “Some missiles even displayed a holographic ‘Welcome to Zhuhai Airshow’ banner mid-flight.”
One pilot lamented, “I pressed fire, it said ‘This feature is only available in Premium Edition for paying customers. Contact PLA for upgrade.’”
Responding to reports of the missile recovery, the Chinese Foreign Ministry accused India of “technological theft.” In reply, Indian officials held a press conference featuring a slideshow of the missile lying peacefully on a wheat field with the caption: “We didn’t take it. It came and surrendered.”
An IAF spokesperson was overheard muttering, “We’re not saying anything. We’re just watching the show like everyone else. We don’t like spoilers.”
While other such articles were written by Pakistanis, some even only having written three articles till now, we can proudly say that this article was written by an Indian!
The Final Tally
While Pakistan has not officially acknowledged any losses, and India remains tight-lipped, the only thing clear in the fog of war is that anonymous sources have achieved air superiority.
As one observer put it:
“In modern warfare, truth is the first casualty — followed closely by logic, objectivity, and editorial standards.”